Spilling the beans...

The big secret...
Well, since I am apparently not capable of keeping this secret, I am going to just let it see the light of day, right here, right now...
So, this person who told me the secret, it is a girl... She was driving home in the dark and rain a few weeks ago (probably a month or so now) and she picked up a hitchhiker. She does not normally do this, but he was hispanic (I can't tell you why that matters) and she felt sorry for him, standing there in the dark rainy night.
Anyhow, so this dude gets in her car and they get to talking. Turns out he is an upstanding member of the community, donates his time and efforts to El Centro de la Raza (say it with me, El Centro de la Raza) and local childrens hospitals... He had a sexy latino accent (she told me) and she was not really paying attention to the road.
Suddenly there was a big bump, BAM, like they had hit something. She stopped, backed up, and hit something again, like going over a curb, you get the picture. So she was kinda freaked out, it was quiet, except for the sound of the rain. She stared straight ahead. The kind latino gentlemen tried to comfort her, told her it was probably a dog or a cat (hopefully a cat). He told her to sit still and he would get out and take a look. He was about to get out of the car when he paused, just for a moment. He looked at her, right in the eyes, and told her that although they had only known each other for a very short time, he felt they had made a connection, and was pretty sure that he was falling in love with her already, and he hoped she felt the same way...
She got all teary eyed and her heart started pounding and she almost forgot about having hit something. They stared at each other for a moment, he smiled and got out of the car. She started thinking of the possibilities, what her life could be like with the last name Sanchez...
She watched him get out and go to the front of the car. When he got there he stopped and stared. He just stood there looking and looking. He moved forward a step. Then another. He bent over so she could barely see him then kinda straightened up and looked through the rainy windshield at her... He had this look on his face, really hard to describe (she told me) then he bent over again and she could barely see him but it looked like he was trying to pick something up... She could see him struggling and she was scared. He moved this way and that and all of a sudden he stood up. She could see he had something in his hands, something kinda big, but not too big, it was hard to see, she turned on her windshield wipers a little higher, he turned towards her, kinda lost his grip on whatever it was he was holding, she could see it wiggling a little bit... He got a better grip on it and kinda heaved it up and turned towards her... She got her first good look at it...
It was a midget...
She jumped, her foot came off the brakes, she slammed her foot back down as the car started rolling forward, she missed the brake, hit the gas, the car shot forward, there were 2 thumps as she ran over the midget and her new love... the front wheels went over just fine, but the back wheels got stuck somehow so there was this sickening squeeling of tires on concrete and flesh, suddenly they caught and she shot forward... She was crying and was kinda hysterical, cause that is how she gets... she just kept on driving, went on home...
She got home and started walking to the front of the car, then stopped, wasn't sure what she might see there, mabye a little midget hand or tiny little shoe or something... but there was nothing... no damage, no loose pieces of cloth, nothing...
She started thinking that she had to do something, she had to come clean, but she couldn't... what would people say? what would they think of her? Her life would be ruined... So she hatched a plan... she went in the garage and got a shovel out, and a box of garbage bags, and a bottle of Arbor Mist (Strawberry White Zinfandel)... She hatched a plan...
She got back in her car and headed back...
It was dark, rainy, very little traffic on the road... probably noone noticed or witnessed... She would wrap them up in plastic, shove them in her trunk, go out the Valley or down by the river, dig a big hole and bury them... she would cover her tracks, it would be her big deep dark secret... noone would miss a midget, yo, and she would always have her dreams of what might have been with the last name Sanchez... She drove on back to where she thought they should be, and kept driving, there was nothing there, so she went a little farther, watching for people walking on the side of the road... She turned back around and retraced her steps... Nothing... nothing...
Up and down the road she went, drinking her Arbor Mist straight from the bottle, crying hysterically and peeing herself a little bit... She got out and walked the road where she thought it happened, looking for clues, but there was nothing, no little footprints, no drag marks, nothing... They were GONE!!!
So she went home and slept... called in sick to work the next day... She drove the road again but it looked normal, no nothing that would ever lead anyone to imagine that something had happened...
She was ready to believe (herself) that maybe she imagined the whole thing, made the whole thing up like a daydream... and she almost convinced herself, but... but... she could smell him, Mr. Sanchez... well, she wasn't sure his name actually was Sanchez, but that is what she imagined her name would be when they got married... sigh... but she could smell him in her car... it smelled good... it made her head spin... it made her heart ache...
She doesn't know what happened to them, but she started getting strange calls... tiny little raspy voice on the other end, calling her a bitch and stuff... and tiny little limpy drag marks outside her house in the dirt, like a gimpy little midget has been walking around, draggin his now useless limb... He will never play in the midget world cup... will never win a race in the midget olympics...
And she swears, she swears, when the wind blows just right, she can smell the man, and the wind seems to whisper to her... it whispers "why??? Why??? I loved you!!!" and sometimes it whispers "ouch"...
So that is what she told me, she made me promise that I would never tell... I promised on someting important, I can't remember what, and to be honest I am a bit worried about what might happen to whatever I promised on now that I have blabbed it all...
I tried to tell her that, you know, running over a midget, no harm no foul... they are used to being run over, those little people... and if she really wanted to she could go down to El Centro and see if her man is there and try to make it up to him, explain that she got scared and went back and stuff, but she said no... She especially made me promise not to ever (EVER) tell anyone that she peed herself a little... she is REALLY embarassed about that... peeing herself...
I told her not to worry about it... Then of course told my wife... thats a given...
Then Kitten Chow seduced the secret out of me that one night... I still feel cheap and used over that...
Oh, then I had to tell ADO because she was giving me a ride home and I felt obligated somewhat so I just kinda spilled the beans...
Sorry about that...

not gonna make out with anyone

Tired...
I could never survive being captured by the enemy and tortured with like, sleep deprivation and loud music... after 1 day I would be a nervous wreck, crapping all over myself and crying... My personal belief is, if I DO get captured by the enemy, to spill my guts immediately and also change my allegiance... I just hope the enemy is cool and shit, cause I would hate to have to become some sort of militant christian mercenary or something...
I hope the enemy is a gang of lesbians who's only purpose in capturing me is for my superior genes... I will be put into production, producing new amazon warriors... locked in a comfortable room with velvet walls and a nice stereo and maybe some paints or something... kept naked and oiled up at all times... just waiting for a little bell to ring and the door to open to do my sex magic...
They will capture me and sit me in a chair and they will be all dressed like Xena or something... all boobs and legs and stuff, and they will shine a light on me and cut my clothes off and start heating up this oil (not too hot) and then they will throw on some Tori Amos or something and I will be all like, WHOA!!! hold it there, no need to get all brutal, I will talk, I will tell you everything... and so, after I spill my guts they will demand that I pledge my allegiance and, of course, I will and they will need me to prove it, and I will be so hysterical and worked up at that point I will have sex with all of them, and eventually have Stockholm Syndrome and will totally believe in their cause and my place in their organization... I would probably end up actively fighting any rescue attempts, because that is how the human brain adapts, you dig...
I will probably feel bad if I do get rescued and un-brainwashed and will have to apologize to my lovely wife for having to have intercourse with all these hundreds of lesbian amazons...
She will probably be all like, why didn't you tell them you were fixed and can't get them pregnant, but I have that all figured out, because in this scenario I feared for my life, I had to do it and figured if I told them I had been snipped they would kill me... plus I was brainwashed...
I don't think it ever happens that way though, you know... from what I understand, when you are captured by hot lesbian amazons you never make it out alive...
That would probably make a good movie though... some sort of action adventure movie, where I am supposed to go undercover and "deliberately" get captured in order to infiltrate the organization... Working undercover for the man... discover all their "secrets", destroy the infrastructure, kill the leader in an all out action sequence involving hand to hand combat... it would have to be a big budget flick, full of "explosions" and a montage... We should cast Uma Thurman as the head amazon, and Christina Ricci as her deputy that ends up falling in love with me and helps me with my mission, but in order to do so she must betray her lover, played by Neko Case... I, of course, will play, me... To keep it all on the up and up I will have my lovely wife there as a consultant and planner... she can help the girls with their "lines", kind of a walk through...
Yeah, it will make us all rich... I need someone to help me with the story board, probably will need to come up with a short in order to sell it to the studios, so I will need all of you (ladies) to volunteer for that... may need another camera or 2, just to get all the angles... yeah...

**

HOLY SHIT...
What was THAT all about?
Oh, hey... you see down there at the bottom, where you can put "tags" on your post? Dude, I put "scat" there the other day, you know, I got my own definition, much like Mr. Seattle has his own loose definition of "scat" (I don't think the word means what he thinks it mean)... Anyhow, I was looking at my stats and found that I got a weird normal of hits on my site due to people doing a search for "scat"...
Friggin' Freaks...
I had no idea such things in the world actually went on, well, I mean, I did, but I never actually thought... I mean, what the hell... I guess it ain't that unusual, you could be sitting there and think to yourself, hey, I'm bored, you know what would break the boredom? Scat. Happens all the time... that's how you end up at those weird sites at 2am and downloading virus after virus and have to explain to someone that you have no idea how these pop ups keeping happening... and your homepage gets changed to something something... ehhh...

**

So, tonight, going out, some people from out of town are now IN town...
So I am piggy backin' in on a paid deal at the Triple Door. I am totally full of mixed emotions on this, not sure why, for sure... something about the need to get home after being out and stuff... I have self control and such, but I am already tired, and adding a couple drinks to that, ehh... I will be fine...
On the other side, Mr. Seattle has been known to be there, hang out there, something... and I have this plan, this really fucked up plan... see, I have my camera, and I am pretty sure he does not remember what I look like, so, if I happen to see him there, I am gonna act like I am really friggin' pleased and excited to see Mr. Seattle in the wild, and see if I can get my picture taken with him... and him being the comedian that he is, I will see if he wants to have some fun with it and give me a big kiss on the cheek... and get a picture of it, of course... how confusing and fucked up would THAT be? To see your old man getting kissed by your ex old man... and to be able to perpetrate this would be fantasgreat... or interesting, or something.. Apparently, in this moment of weakness, I am alluding to having issues with his existence... although it is all of my own special making... nothing left behind it... you dig... I just don't really see what is so special about him... not a fan, not really...
I think I am just gonna leave it at that... hopefully there will be some interesting pictures at the end of the night...