I know what hands are for, and I'd like to help myself

1 week later. I haven't shaved since my last day at work, and look what I have accomplished. Coming in nicely, don't you think?
Today, the house is quiet. Took the girls to school, all of them. The little viking, for her it is just another day. The Noner and the lovely wife, they are going to the Nutcracker for a field trip. So the house is mine.
And I got nothing... Oh, I will do my exercises, you know, but beyond that... eh... I will study up on website building, maybe hit the liquor store and make some liquer with Vodka and dried berries... but beyond that I got no plans. Sigh... Big Sigh...

That is the problem with me, I think... I never know what to do with myself, given ultimate freedom and resources. And I recognize this, and it sends me into a tailspin, you know, thinking that I can do anything I want, so I should do something, but I don't know what to do, so maybe I should do this, or maybe I should do that and pretty soon I don't do anything, which then turns into paranoia and franticness... I think I will start with some coffee. Brb!!!
OK, the coffee is brewing... Ahh, it is done...
I think I will go take a shower and force myself into action... maybe I can find a bank being robbed and step in to save the day. Or some orphans, doing some sort of pitiful orphan thing, and this time I won't turn my back on them, but logically explain to them how I am a man of limited resources, and although I feel for them (I really do) I just don't know what kind of difference I can make in their lives. Or a lonely supermodel, who thinks they are getting too old, being 23 and all, and are thinking of packing it in, maybe I can find one of those and sit down and have a heart to heart, explain what a difference they make it everyone's lives, how people need beauty and representation for the products they don't know they need yet. Convince her that maybe if she just lost a couple more pounds rubbed coco butter all over her body 3 times a day, that she could probably go on for another couple years. I know I can help her, having been there myself... and I know how hard it is to get the coco butter ALL over your body, so I will offer to help her, all she needs to do it sit back and relax and let me take care of everything... She may not be comfortable with this so I will explain to her, I will say, look, my wife, she is a pianist, and she has fantastic hands and a light touch, how about this, how about if I keep the coco butter warm and you let my wife rub it all over your body, but I will say it real convincing like and I will even offer to videotape it, you know, so in case she forgets how or my wife isn't available, she can watch the video to make sure whoever ends up doing it, you know, does it right... but we will need to tape it at least 6 or 7 times to establish a baseline, you dig, a commonality, so to speak, and I will compile all the hours of footage into a nice manageable piece and, of course, hold on to it for her so she doesn't lose it...
Whoa... ok, so lets pretend, for just a moment, that what is actually happening there is that Neko Case is the one that needs the coco butter rubbed all over her, and Christina Ricci just happens to owe me a favor, right, so what would need to happen is first my wife would need to rub Christina down, so she understands the drill, then Christina would need to rub Neko down, and my wife would assist her the first few times, to make sure she is doing it right, and I would do a behind the scenes kinda "making of" type video, and hijinks would ensue and the girls would turn on me and they would all end up rubbing me down and tickling me and wrestling with me and we would laugh and laugh...
Ok, so I think I will do that last thing... Banks are boring and Orphans, well, not much I can do about them...
I think, as a man, a caring man, you have to do the right thing. Focus on the positive. Think about what is best for the common good of everyone. Saving a bank from being robbed, eh, maybe a couple people would say nice things about that. Talking to orphans, yeah, maybe a grandma or two would throw me a cookie... But videotaping 3 beautiful woman rubbing oil all over each other, hell, I think the world would give me a collective cheer and pat on the back for that. THAT, my friends, is what I live for... Atta Boy, Catfish... Atta Boy!!!

How it went down that Catfish is gettin' laid off...

So it went down like this... Ok, so this chick, she got laid off a couple days ago. I was standing down the hall there, you know, just chillin' and I see her walking towards me and there were a couple of us standing there, and she was crying and I was all like, oh shit, but there was nowhere to hide...
So she says: I just got fired. They FIRED me!!! and everyone was all like Wha-wha-what?!?! and in the ensuing confusion I slipped away, didn't want it to rub off on me...
I talked about it with a couple co-workers and we were all shocked...
I got on the IM with my boss that night and asked him if he knew that was going to happen and he said yeah, he knew for a while it was going to happen... I asked him if I was gonna get fired tomorrow and he said no, not that he could tell me I was if I really was, and shit like that...
So I was sitting on the bus the next day, thinking about what I would do if I got canned and was gonna do this big piece about how I had this offer once that I hadn't told anyone about, about how this dude wanted to take me under his wing, franchise out his "business" so to speak, and it was gonna be fuckin' hilarious... all about being a pimp and taking over this dudes route when he went on vacation this one time and not really getting the hang of it and there was this hooker that was holding out on me and I was gonna have to smack her up and she was gonna be all like, but I had to buy some crack for my poor sick momma who is a crack addict and she is really sick and it ain't for me and if it weren't for my momma you know I would have your money and shit, and I would fall for it and tell her I was sorry her momma was sick and then I was gonna say something about filling out my stable, and how I didn't have any fashion sense so the whores didn't respect me and shit... I had it all planned out...
So I was sitting here, whene I finally got in and was going to write it up and we were chatting about shit when that chick that got fired went walking by and me and my boss were all like, WTF?!?! and we were cool and he called us all into a meeting and wanted to put us at ease, that none of us were going to get let go, it was all over, etc...
So I went about my day, doing my thing, chatting with the boss, doing other shit, etc... business as normal...
Then all of a sudden, but not really, like suddenly... I guess it was more like, so eventually my boss comes over and says, hey, Catfish, I need to talk to you, which is not really that unusual... so I follow him and all of a sudden we are going in "THE ROOM" and I was all like, oh, dude, no... and he just looked real sad and his eyes were all red and then HR comes walking in, and she looks all red in the eyes, and I was all like, Oh Shit... so its over then, is it... and my boss was like, well, yeah, dude, sorry...
See, he didn't even know... I was safe in the morning, but then he got the call that he had to cut one of us, and it was pretty much a random choice, 1 in 3 had to go... had to cut the headcount, you dig... and I understand it perfectly, but that's just 'cause of my random abstract thinking...
So I was all like, well shit, and HR was all like, damn, you are taking it well... and I told them there really wasn't any use fighting it... not like I could change their minds all of a sudden or something...
So they gave me the choice... I could leave immediately and just take my last paycheck and 2 weeks severance... or I could work through the end of the month and get paid through the end, plus my 2 weeks severance...
I decided to stay through the end of the month...
I asked about my vacation time, I got 5 days left and you use them or lose them and HR was all like, well, if you say you are staying you are gonna get paid regardless of you actually being in the building or not... so I will be using some vacation...
I played it super cool, you know, that's the way I roll...
At this point I was going to say something witty about having my vasectomy reversed and freelancing some baby making or something, seein as how I make pretty babies... Dude, then I was wondering what would happen if I went into one of those sperm banks and like, sold some and stuff... how long would it take until they realized I was shootin blanks? Dude, that would be a major scam... heh...
Uhh... so yeah, really though, I am just putting it out there right now, that I am soon to be unemployed and I have tender hands that need a warm indoorsy type job that pays well, but not too soon...