setting my cup down and backin up off it...
In case anyone is planning on breaking up with someone but isn't sure how to go about it, I offer this:
1) Honest approach
This is one of the hardest ones as honesty is not usually pleasant in these situations. Usually honesty involves things like letting the other person know they suck, you have been cheating on them or you just really don't care anymore. Honestly though, it is better to be the one doing the crushing than being the one crushed, so just go for it.
2) Deception
Don't tell them you are breaking up with them, tell them you are moving far far away, joinging the peace corps (and hope they don't realize you need skills to do so) or that you are gay. They will want to believe the lie as they do not appear to suck as much, there is a reason beyond their control... Plus, if you get caught somewhere down the road, it still isn't their fault, because apparently you are a juvenille asshole.
3) Disappear
Just disappear, but in order for this to work, you have to leave the general neighborhood, and probably change jobs, and never contact your family again, or friends... hmmnn... bonus all around...
4) Start a fight and break it hard...
Find something that you know will set your insignificant other off and don't back down and let all hell break loose... I offered this suggestion to a friend:
Ask her if she farted. When she says she didn't, insist that she did. When she says she didn't get a little freaky, ask her what the big deal is cause you know she did and all she has to do is admit it, and when she doesn't you can get super freaky and accuse her of never wanting to take responsibility for anything and always trying to blame him for her problems... this should blow the lid off the whole thing... and he can storm off in a huff...
Of course, if she admits she did you will need to take a different path... tell her how disgusting it is and tell her to put a cork in it and then go into some sort of sexual disfunction tirade and storm off in a huff... whatever ends up in you storming off in a huff will work
5) Get "caught"
Hook up with someone someplace where she can "catch" you. Like in her bed. Or someplace that will cost more money, like her couch, cause you know she would have to replace the couch if she saw your naked ass shufflin' around on it... Do it like Tucker Max did, leave a skid mark on one of the cushions... Like a magic wand waved in the air *presto* no more girlfriend.
6) I suppose there are other ways, like if she was real good looking you could let me hook up with her and then catch us... You would be able to blame the whole thing on her and I would be doing my civic duty... I am all about community, after all. But I would need to get permission, which is unlikely, as my wife is not as civic minded as I am or would potentially be if I had permission to be so...
Oh, and besides, when you dump someone they are never going to be the one that got away. The one that got away is more likely to be the one that dumped YOUR ass because you sucked and couldn't like up to their whorish expectations, oh, and they are probably making tons of money and with some loser, too...
***
Hey... I spent money on myself today on something other than food...
Wanna see what I ordered?
Pretty cool, huh...
I was thinking about hi-tops today, wanna know why?
OK, well, I was on the bus, and I was sitting there facing the snaggle tooth gal and I could see her feet... Don't stop reading!!! You are probably thinking, oh, she had hi-tops on... but she didn't!!!
She had low tops on. I was looking and she had the most f*ck3d up cankles I have ever seen. You know how like when you see someone with a muffin top (for those of you that are lost, a muffin top is one of those gals that wears pants and the jelly roll comes up over the waist of the pants making it look kinda like the top of a muffin)(FYI... Muffin Tops are OUT, but Whale Tails are IN, ladies). So she had somehow stuffed the section at the end of her legs into these tennis shoes and over the top of the shoes was spilling all this cankle... I saw flesh... her actual ankles were like dimples, just indentions in the dough, you dig... Dude, riding the bus, it is like going to the zoo... I just kinda sit there and watch the animals randomly move and do things and freely stare... Serious, you know like when you see the giraffes and they are standing there chewing and they kinda look at you and you stare back and don't care if they are looking at you cause they are animals and there is nothing going on there... it is kinda like that... I can sit and observe (gorrila's in the mist again) and if they look at me I don't care... So I watched the snaggle and she kinda threw her head around, woke from her slumber, slumped back, fanny packs jingling... I saw her look at me and thought I saw a glimmer of something in her eyes, I immediately thought of Algernon, like in flowers for Algernon, and she was Charlie Gordon... funny, huh...
***
So I am a fancy boy right now, got a new haircut, new jeans on, new shoes on order, hopefully a new car in the near future (Caprice or an Astro Van anyone?), uhh... yeah, fancy...
I was speaking with the lovely wife earlier and I was all like, hey, whats going on this weekend, eh? and she said things and I made uh-huh sounds, and I was all like, hey, it is my turn to talk, and I want to do that thing with the meat, and she was all like, what thing with the meat (she has a dirty mind, she said it like "what thing with the meat") and I said Pork and we laughed and laughed, but really, I said I want to go get a big thing of pork and cook it up and she was like, Oh... so I had to scramble, and I was all like trying to accentuate it, like that thing with the pork is not super fancy enough, and I was all describing how I would cook it all day and eat it after it was done and stuff... and she was all like, uh-huh... so I wasn't really asking permission or anything, but was hoping to get her buy in, like, hey, what a fantastic friggin' idea, you rock and I am going to hump your leg... stuff like that... like I do when she says things... if I don't get that I just have to sit and pump myself up, you know, like, pat myself on the back for having such a great idea, self satisfaction and shit... Ahh, I hear you thinking out there, damn he has some low self esteem and smells like a lesbian (so I have been told, so I love lesbians, unless my lovely wife actually hates the way I smell, then I hate lesbians)(side note: my lovely wife told my daughter that she could probably play for the Storm one day the way she was dribbling the ball and I started thinking of that south park episode where they were all in love with the teacher and Cartman was licking some carpet and eating a box and stuff and I almost said something, but I didn't) but you know what, I don't have such low self esteem that I need to take YOUR crap, so keep it to yourselves... I only care about doing exceptional things and/or exceeding expectations as far as my wife is concerned, which makes me a fricken noble bastard... like chief seattle or something... oh, sorry, that is native american, uhhnnn...
1) Honest approach
This is one of the hardest ones as honesty is not usually pleasant in these situations. Usually honesty involves things like letting the other person know they suck, you have been cheating on them or you just really don't care anymore. Honestly though, it is better to be the one doing the crushing than being the one crushed, so just go for it.
2) Deception
Don't tell them you are breaking up with them, tell them you are moving far far away, joinging the peace corps (and hope they don't realize you need skills to do so) or that you are gay. They will want to believe the lie as they do not appear to suck as much, there is a reason beyond their control... Plus, if you get caught somewhere down the road, it still isn't their fault, because apparently you are a juvenille asshole.
3) Disappear
Just disappear, but in order for this to work, you have to leave the general neighborhood, and probably change jobs, and never contact your family again, or friends... hmmnn... bonus all around...
4) Start a fight and break it hard...
Find something that you know will set your insignificant other off and don't back down and let all hell break loose... I offered this suggestion to a friend:
Ask her if she farted. When she says she didn't, insist that she did. When she says she didn't get a little freaky, ask her what the big deal is cause you know she did and all she has to do is admit it, and when she doesn't you can get super freaky and accuse her of never wanting to take responsibility for anything and always trying to blame him for her problems... this should blow the lid off the whole thing... and he can storm off in a huff...
Of course, if she admits she did you will need to take a different path... tell her how disgusting it is and tell her to put a cork in it and then go into some sort of sexual disfunction tirade and storm off in a huff... whatever ends up in you storming off in a huff will work
5) Get "caught"
Hook up with someone someplace where she can "catch" you. Like in her bed. Or someplace that will cost more money, like her couch, cause you know she would have to replace the couch if she saw your naked ass shufflin' around on it... Do it like Tucker Max did, leave a skid mark on one of the cushions... Like a magic wand waved in the air *presto* no more girlfriend.
6) I suppose there are other ways, like if she was real good looking you could let me hook up with her and then catch us... You would be able to blame the whole thing on her and I would be doing my civic duty... I am all about community, after all. But I would need to get permission, which is unlikely, as my wife is not as civic minded as I am or would potentially be if I had permission to be so...
Oh, and besides, when you dump someone they are never going to be the one that got away. The one that got away is more likely to be the one that dumped YOUR ass because you sucked and couldn't like up to their whorish expectations, oh, and they are probably making tons of money and with some loser, too...
***
Hey... I spent money on myself today on something other than food...
Wanna see what I ordered?
Pretty cool, huh...
I was thinking about hi-tops today, wanna know why?
OK, well, I was on the bus, and I was sitting there facing the snaggle tooth gal and I could see her feet... Don't stop reading!!! You are probably thinking, oh, she had hi-tops on... but she didn't!!!
She had low tops on. I was looking and she had the most f*ck3d up cankles I have ever seen. You know how like when you see someone with a muffin top (for those of you that are lost, a muffin top is one of those gals that wears pants and the jelly roll comes up over the waist of the pants making it look kinda like the top of a muffin)(FYI... Muffin Tops are OUT, but Whale Tails are IN, ladies). So she had somehow stuffed the section at the end of her legs into these tennis shoes and over the top of the shoes was spilling all this cankle... I saw flesh... her actual ankles were like dimples, just indentions in the dough, you dig... Dude, riding the bus, it is like going to the zoo... I just kinda sit there and watch the animals randomly move and do things and freely stare... Serious, you know like when you see the giraffes and they are standing there chewing and they kinda look at you and you stare back and don't care if they are looking at you cause they are animals and there is nothing going on there... it is kinda like that... I can sit and observe (gorrila's in the mist again) and if they look at me I don't care... So I watched the snaggle and she kinda threw her head around, woke from her slumber, slumped back, fanny packs jingling... I saw her look at me and thought I saw a glimmer of something in her eyes, I immediately thought of Algernon, like in flowers for Algernon, and she was Charlie Gordon... funny, huh...
***
So I am a fancy boy right now, got a new haircut, new jeans on, new shoes on order, hopefully a new car in the near future (Caprice or an Astro Van anyone?), uhh... yeah, fancy...
I was speaking with the lovely wife earlier and I was all like, hey, whats going on this weekend, eh? and she said things and I made uh-huh sounds, and I was all like, hey, it is my turn to talk, and I want to do that thing with the meat, and she was all like, what thing with the meat (she has a dirty mind, she said it like "what thing with the meat") and I said Pork and we laughed and laughed, but really, I said I want to go get a big thing of pork and cook it up and she was like, Oh... so I had to scramble, and I was all like trying to accentuate it, like that thing with the pork is not super fancy enough, and I was all describing how I would cook it all day and eat it after it was done and stuff... and she was all like, uh-huh... so I wasn't really asking permission or anything, but was hoping to get her buy in, like, hey, what a fantastic friggin' idea, you rock and I am going to hump your leg... stuff like that... like I do when she says things... if I don't get that I just have to sit and pump myself up, you know, like, pat myself on the back for having such a great idea, self satisfaction and shit... Ahh, I hear you thinking out there, damn he has some low self esteem and smells like a lesbian (so I have been told, so I love lesbians, unless my lovely wife actually hates the way I smell, then I hate lesbians)(side note: my lovely wife told my daughter that she could probably play for the Storm one day the way she was dribbling the ball and I started thinking of that south park episode where they were all in love with the teacher and Cartman was licking some carpet and eating a box and stuff and I almost said something, but I didn't) but you know what, I don't have such low self esteem that I need to take YOUR crap, so keep it to yourselves... I only care about doing exceptional things and/or exceeding expectations as far as my wife is concerned, which makes me a fricken noble bastard... like chief seattle or something... oh, sorry, that is native american, uhhnnn...
posted by Catfish at 2:07 PM
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