Today I kill the Barber...
I was sittin' there yesterday, doing Viking things, as usual, when I took my Viking lunch. I ate some raw meat and misc small rocks then called the lovely Viking wife...
How's it going, I say.
Fine, she says.
What are you doing? I ask
Nothing, she says.
What are you doing, she says.
Nothing, I say, Haven't killed anyone all day.
You are going to the barber shop today, she says.
To kill the barber? I ask.
To get your haircut, she says.
Can I pillage after I am done? I ask.
You are taking the littlest Viking for a haircut also, she tells me.
Oh, I says, I know there will be no plundering with her...
So I did my thing for a while, random boat carving and knife sharpening, the usual and went home.
The good lady Viking had made me some dinner, meat with vegetables (mushrooms are vegetables, right?) and she starts giving me instructions on the haircut that the little one is too received.
OK, I says, So what about my haircut, what am I to tell the barber to do with my hair?
I was kinda joking, although this is a new barber, I figured I would give her the same instructions I had given the old one.
Well, she says, now that you mention it, I always hated your old barber. The way he cut your hair made you look like a big asshole. Made your head look "long" and you smell like crap.
I was all like, whoa... I have been seeing the same barber for like 15 years. He was a good barber, he did what I told him. I shared this with the lady...
Well you are a dipshit then... she says...
Remember that one haircut you got long ago in Bothell? You looked like George Clooney and I attacked you after that? That is what you need..., she tells me...
I don't remember...
But I am willing to get my haircut any way she wants if it means she will attack me... see, Vikings, when they are attacked, usually fight to the death, a battle well fought... Being attacked by their Viking wench, well, it is still a fight to the death, but just a "little death". Vikings dig that, gives them a chance to do some role playing, act "vulnerable", like they are helpless and are not capable of breaking you in 2 with their bare hands... Of course, it always ends with a slap on the ass to remind them who is boss... but Vikings dig that...
So I went to the barber. Vicky, that is a good sign, almost like Viking... anyway, I grabbed her by her shirt collar and shook her around a bit, growled and shit, made sure she realized who was boss. Gave her some instructions, something along the lines that if she didn't give me a killer haircut that resulted in some action there were going to be consequences... She said she understood... She spent much time on my hair... I thought it looked nice.
She did the little Vikings hair, it looked nice. The littlest Viking pillaged the licorice bucket, leaving it in shambles. Thats my girl. I hurried home for some action.
Ahh, your hair looks nice, the lovely wife says... to the littlest Viking.
I came in and turned for inspection, 90 degrees turns, 4 times, a complete circle.
How do you like it, I ask, feeling like a big puss, cause Vikings don't care about that shit...
Eh... she says... How do you like it?
Fine, fine, I says, but I am not interested in attacking myself...
and that is where it was left... Pins and needles, muscles coiled like boa constrictors waiting for the anticipated attack... which never comes... soon the torches were burnt out and I covered myself with buffallo hides (which the Vikings stole from the Indians) and layed down, hand on my sword...
***
But seriously, I was ready to kill yesterday. Felt all jumpy and shit, like I had to watch over my shoulder all the time, every step was painful... anything that took effort was an uphill battle. I have no idea why this was. I know I was feeling some frustration, of a general and non specific variety. I know that there was some loud noises at home, tired girls and shit... and my lovely wife was in a cleaning frenzy, which made me uncomfortable... I can't relax if she is cleaning, I feel like I am supposed to be helping or participating or something.. but there is a fine line... I can't actually help her with the same task, so I have to find a similar but different task so we are not interferring with each other. So I get done with a task, and if she is still doing something then I got to find another task... if I sit down I get all twitchy and shit... Now, she has not directly told me that I need to help and stuff... but I kind of infer it. I am not laying any of this on her, it is my own trip, so don't get me wrong.
I don't know how I got to be so sensetive... like a delicate flower or something... like a frog or butterfly that is affected by the slightest change in the ecosystem...
I woke up last night, I don't know, around 11pm and thought I smelt cigarette smoke... I figured it was coming in the window from the gal upstairs who smokes like 3 packs a day, plus whatever her boyfriend is smoking... so I had to get up and wonder the apartment looking for where the smell could be coming from... I was all like, goddammit... then I get all wound up about having to get up in 4 hours and NEEDING to get back to sleep and then I get all twitchy on any random thought that comes into my head...
Anyhow, I am better now, I think... gonna drink coffee until I explode or something...
***
Hey!!!
I just got the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. I am going to start reading it today. I think it will be fun.
I just got done reading Getting Stoned with Cannibals, by J Maarten Troost. This was a follow up to The Sex Lives of Cannibals. Both are kinda travel journal/adventure books, which I really dig... of course, now my dreams of laying on a beach in the south Pacific are kinda shot... not so appealing now... as a matter of fact, going anywhere outside of the PNW sounds bad... anywhere, east of Yakima and south of Oregon = bad... I am going to limit my travels to western Washington, Oregon and up into BC, to include Alaska... anywhere outside that is right out... unless it involves Morocco or something... Tangiers...
Anyhow, I can't remember what I was reading before that.
As far as recommendations go, I would recommend you do NOT read a book called The woman who walked into doors. It was well written, I guess, but it still gives me nightmares and should be avoided at all costs...
Next, I think I might have to pull out some Vonnegut. It has been a while since I read him. What's that one, God bless you Mr. Rosewater, or something like that... I think that is the one I remember so well, apart from Bluebeard and Slaughterhouse 5 and Breakfast of Champions. Hmmnn... Actually, it has been a while since I read some Tom Robbins... hmmnnn...
****
You know, I expect more from myself than this crap. I really do. Maybe a couple days off would help, I don't know. I have a couple theories that I can't discuss right now, but I expect that there are some distractions that I could do without. Or could do with, or something...
I think it might be best if I put it into song:
Good times for a change See, the luck I've had Can make a good man turn bad So please please please Let me, let me, let me Let me get what I want this time ...
So, in the meantime, sorry about the crap... I will try to do better in the future...
How's it going, I say.
Fine, she says.
What are you doing? I ask
Nothing, she says.
What are you doing, she says.
Nothing, I say, Haven't killed anyone all day.
You are going to the barber shop today, she says.
To kill the barber? I ask.
To get your haircut, she says.
Can I pillage after I am done? I ask.
You are taking the littlest Viking for a haircut also, she tells me.
Oh, I says, I know there will be no plundering with her...
So I did my thing for a while, random boat carving and knife sharpening, the usual and went home.
The good lady Viking had made me some dinner, meat with vegetables (mushrooms are vegetables, right?) and she starts giving me instructions on the haircut that the little one is too received.
OK, I says, So what about my haircut, what am I to tell the barber to do with my hair?
I was kinda joking, although this is a new barber, I figured I would give her the same instructions I had given the old one.
Well, she says, now that you mention it, I always hated your old barber. The way he cut your hair made you look like a big asshole. Made your head look "long" and you smell like crap.
I was all like, whoa... I have been seeing the same barber for like 15 years. He was a good barber, he did what I told him. I shared this with the lady...
Well you are a dipshit then... she says...
Remember that one haircut you got long ago in Bothell? You looked like George Clooney and I attacked you after that? That is what you need..., she tells me...
I don't remember...
But I am willing to get my haircut any way she wants if it means she will attack me... see, Vikings, when they are attacked, usually fight to the death, a battle well fought... Being attacked by their Viking wench, well, it is still a fight to the death, but just a "little death". Vikings dig that, gives them a chance to do some role playing, act "vulnerable", like they are helpless and are not capable of breaking you in 2 with their bare hands... Of course, it always ends with a slap on the ass to remind them who is boss... but Vikings dig that...
So I went to the barber. Vicky, that is a good sign, almost like Viking... anyway, I grabbed her by her shirt collar and shook her around a bit, growled and shit, made sure she realized who was boss. Gave her some instructions, something along the lines that if she didn't give me a killer haircut that resulted in some action there were going to be consequences... She said she understood... She spent much time on my hair... I thought it looked nice.
She did the little Vikings hair, it looked nice. The littlest Viking pillaged the licorice bucket, leaving it in shambles. Thats my girl. I hurried home for some action.
Ahh, your hair looks nice, the lovely wife says... to the littlest Viking.
I came in and turned for inspection, 90 degrees turns, 4 times, a complete circle.
How do you like it, I ask, feeling like a big puss, cause Vikings don't care about that shit...
Eh... she says... How do you like it?
Fine, fine, I says, but I am not interested in attacking myself...
and that is where it was left... Pins and needles, muscles coiled like boa constrictors waiting for the anticipated attack... which never comes... soon the torches were burnt out and I covered myself with buffallo hides (which the Vikings stole from the Indians) and layed down, hand on my sword...
***
But seriously, I was ready to kill yesterday. Felt all jumpy and shit, like I had to watch over my shoulder all the time, every step was painful... anything that took effort was an uphill battle. I have no idea why this was. I know I was feeling some frustration, of a general and non specific variety. I know that there was some loud noises at home, tired girls and shit... and my lovely wife was in a cleaning frenzy, which made me uncomfortable... I can't relax if she is cleaning, I feel like I am supposed to be helping or participating or something.. but there is a fine line... I can't actually help her with the same task, so I have to find a similar but different task so we are not interferring with each other. So I get done with a task, and if she is still doing something then I got to find another task... if I sit down I get all twitchy and shit... Now, she has not directly told me that I need to help and stuff... but I kind of infer it. I am not laying any of this on her, it is my own trip, so don't get me wrong.
I don't know how I got to be so sensetive... like a delicate flower or something... like a frog or butterfly that is affected by the slightest change in the ecosystem...
I woke up last night, I don't know, around 11pm and thought I smelt cigarette smoke... I figured it was coming in the window from the gal upstairs who smokes like 3 packs a day, plus whatever her boyfriend is smoking... so I had to get up and wonder the apartment looking for where the smell could be coming from... I was all like, goddammit... then I get all wound up about having to get up in 4 hours and NEEDING to get back to sleep and then I get all twitchy on any random thought that comes into my head...
Anyhow, I am better now, I think... gonna drink coffee until I explode or something...
***
Hey!!!
I just got the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. I am going to start reading it today. I think it will be fun.
I just got done reading Getting Stoned with Cannibals, by J Maarten Troost. This was a follow up to The Sex Lives of Cannibals. Both are kinda travel journal/adventure books, which I really dig... of course, now my dreams of laying on a beach in the south Pacific are kinda shot... not so appealing now... as a matter of fact, going anywhere outside of the PNW sounds bad... anywhere, east of Yakima and south of Oregon = bad... I am going to limit my travels to western Washington, Oregon and up into BC, to include Alaska... anywhere outside that is right out... unless it involves Morocco or something... Tangiers...
Anyhow, I can't remember what I was reading before that.
As far as recommendations go, I would recommend you do NOT read a book called The woman who walked into doors. It was well written, I guess, but it still gives me nightmares and should be avoided at all costs...
Next, I think I might have to pull out some Vonnegut. It has been a while since I read him. What's that one, God bless you Mr. Rosewater, or something like that... I think that is the one I remember so well, apart from Bluebeard and Slaughterhouse 5 and Breakfast of Champions. Hmmnn... Actually, it has been a while since I read some Tom Robbins... hmmnnn...
****
You know, I expect more from myself than this crap. I really do. Maybe a couple days off would help, I don't know. I have a couple theories that I can't discuss right now, but I expect that there are some distractions that I could do without. Or could do with, or something...
I think it might be best if I put it into song:
Good times for a change See, the luck I've had Can make a good man turn bad So please please please Let me, let me, let me Let me get what I want this time ...
So, in the meantime, sorry about the crap... I will try to do better in the future...
posted by Catfish at 9:03 AM
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