hungry for taco's
There is a little Bingo tournie going on here at this place I spend all my time... Fantastic prizes, yo...
One of the prizes is a semi-perfect gay boyfriend... he is only semi perfect because he has body image issues, see, his member is soooo large that he is afraid to get intimate with anyone as they are often so intimidated that they run away screaming... he is sitting here on the desk with the other prizes (NO, I know, I should have said this up front, but the first prize is not ME... I know, the description was SO close, but I am NOT gay... for real), and he was kinda scared and excited at the same time... I was talking to him because, you see, he is wearing these cutoff jeans and his WANG kept peeking out so I told him, I said "Hey, but the horse back in the barn"... he laughed...
Another one of the prizes is going for donuts with Keyra Augustina... I am not sure who arranged this, but I think it is part of the plot to kill me... See, me and Keyra, we go way back... She needed some advice on how to shake her booty, and she had seen me and my old lady walkin' down the street and she assumed that there was no way that my old lady could shake her booty that well all natural like, so she figured I must have taught her (I didn't, my old lady has a naturally hypnotic booty shake)... I was deep undercover at the time and.. ahh, hell, just google Keyra Augustina...
Prizes today include: Stainless Steel Deep Fryer... DUDE!!! Throw in some Pork and I am sold...
A Vase... eh, I could put stuff in it I suppose
Those 2 lights from yesterday... I figure I will go for the Naughty/Nice one and can put it in the master bedroom (my room, yo)(Because I am the master) and my wife can turn the light on so I can plan my night... If it is naughty I will try not to smell too manly, or more manly, or something... if it is Nice, I will go to sleep... HOW CREATIVE, huh... I bet I was the first one to think of this... heh, it is a booty light... how funny...
**
But for real, we had some contests going on here, people won prizes if they could answer certain questions about things... I won a sandwich maker deal, gave it to the dude next to me... anywho, 2 of the prizes are these square lights, when you turn them on one side says naughty and the other says nice (HAHAHAH) and on the other one side says last call and the other says happy hour (Ooohhh)... so this chick won one of these... she took it and left, but came back a couple minutes later because it didn't work, she wanted to trade for the other one but wanted to make sure it worked, I was all like, uh, is there a bulb in it? She looked at me like I was crazy to expect her to know this... She plugged in the second one, and it didn't work either... I said again, I bet there is no light bulb... I whipped out my handy Dr. Snip pocket knife (Mrs. Chow, have you gotten your husband fixed yet? Jim needs to get snipped!!! heh) and used the unscrew attachment to unscrew the screws so the top was no longer screwed on (find the subliminal message in this sentence)... LO and BEHOLD!!! there was no bulb... duh... so, simple solution, I told her, you can just get yourself a bulb and screw it in (heh) and you will be good to go... She looked at me like I was vastly over estimating her mechanical skills... Serious, dude, she could not go through the effort required to study up on the fine art of screwing in a lightbulb (how many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I don't know, but I wouldn't mind watching, heh)... So she left the lights and took a candle holder thing instead... I am ultimately concerned that I work with people that can't put a light bulb into a socket...
***
OK, you may not want to hear about this, so turn your monitor off for the next couple minutes...
Had to go to the can, and you know how I feel about that...
So I went creeping into the can and took a peak under the stalls and saw no feet, so I busted into the stall and locked it... figured I would break off a quick one and get out, just like that... so I was in mid, uh, dangle? and heard the door open and someone came in... I was all like, ok, just relax, find your center, you are alone in the universe, let it go... they went in the stall next to me, I lost it, busted it out so hard that I got a muscle cramp in my ass... serious... then someone else came in and I started freakin out, I was suddenly surrounded by people and was sitting there in my own stink and still had to, uh, clean the petals, no, thats what the ladies do, eh... uh... wipe, there, I said it... so I had to rip the paper, fold it neatly and clean the back beaver... like 3 times... damn... and there are people walking around like 2 or 3 feet away and there are cracks in the door and if you peeked in you could see me... so I finally worked through it and then I had to wash my hands cause there were witnesses, someone might recognize my shoes and notice that I left without washing my hands and tell people that I pooped and made a big stink and then didn't wash my hands and when I pooped I made grunting noises and there was a big plop... GAWD!!!
So I washed my hands and came back here and the charlie horse in my ass is slowly receading...
Ok, you can turn your monitor back on now...
***
I made reservations for this hotel in Missoula, has a big ass indoor pool with water slides and stuff... should be fun... I told the girls yesterday that I made reservations and they wanted to know if it was at the one with the big pool, etc... I was like, yeah, and they were like YAY!!! and I say, hey, dig this, we are going to need to bust ass to get there in time to enjoy the pool. It is like 500 miles away and we are going to need to leave at the buttcrack of dawn and shit... So remember this and don't bust my butt about wanting to stop and shit or we will never make it there in time to have fun and be happy, dammit...
I don't want to be one of those dudes with the watches and shit that have a time schedule and knows how many mph to average to get from point A to point B within x hours... I wanna be like the dad in Pete and Pete... with my elbow way out the window and a personalized license plate that says "kngOrd" and go skinny dipping in the pool with Christie Brinkley and my wife will call me Sparky...
***
I got "lei'ed" yesterday, HAHAHA!!! As part of our fiesta we had some sort of tiki smoothie super happy trivia game... I actually had to hand out plastic leis in the morning and there were a bunch left over so I hung them all over the friggin place, and I ended up wearing one all day, a red one... I think it was because this person who has a power of position over me is on the committee or something and felt this person expected my happy enjoyment of lei wearing...
So I took one home for my wife so she could get... uhh... yeah... so... uhh...
One of the prizes is a semi-perfect gay boyfriend... he is only semi perfect because he has body image issues, see, his member is soooo large that he is afraid to get intimate with anyone as they are often so intimidated that they run away screaming... he is sitting here on the desk with the other prizes (NO, I know, I should have said this up front, but the first prize is not ME... I know, the description was SO close, but I am NOT gay... for real), and he was kinda scared and excited at the same time... I was talking to him because, you see, he is wearing these cutoff jeans and his WANG kept peeking out so I told him, I said "Hey, but the horse back in the barn"... he laughed...
Another one of the prizes is going for donuts with Keyra Augustina... I am not sure who arranged this, but I think it is part of the plot to kill me... See, me and Keyra, we go way back... She needed some advice on how to shake her booty, and she had seen me and my old lady walkin' down the street and she assumed that there was no way that my old lady could shake her booty that well all natural like, so she figured I must have taught her (I didn't, my old lady has a naturally hypnotic booty shake)... I was deep undercover at the time and.. ahh, hell, just google Keyra Augustina...
Prizes today include: Stainless Steel Deep Fryer... DUDE!!! Throw in some Pork and I am sold...
A Vase... eh, I could put stuff in it I suppose
Those 2 lights from yesterday... I figure I will go for the Naughty/Nice one and can put it in the master bedroom (my room, yo)(Because I am the master) and my wife can turn the light on so I can plan my night... If it is naughty I will try not to smell too manly, or more manly, or something... if it is Nice, I will go to sleep... HOW CREATIVE, huh... I bet I was the first one to think of this... heh, it is a booty light... how funny...
**
But for real, we had some contests going on here, people won prizes if they could answer certain questions about things... I won a sandwich maker deal, gave it to the dude next to me... anywho, 2 of the prizes are these square lights, when you turn them on one side says naughty and the other says nice (HAHAHAH) and on the other one side says last call and the other says happy hour (Ooohhh)... so this chick won one of these... she took it and left, but came back a couple minutes later because it didn't work, she wanted to trade for the other one but wanted to make sure it worked, I was all like, uh, is there a bulb in it? She looked at me like I was crazy to expect her to know this... She plugged in the second one, and it didn't work either... I said again, I bet there is no light bulb... I whipped out my handy Dr. Snip pocket knife (Mrs. Chow, have you gotten your husband fixed yet? Jim needs to get snipped!!! heh) and used the unscrew attachment to unscrew the screws so the top was no longer screwed on (find the subliminal message in this sentence)... LO and BEHOLD!!! there was no bulb... duh... so, simple solution, I told her, you can just get yourself a bulb and screw it in (heh) and you will be good to go... She looked at me like I was vastly over estimating her mechanical skills... Serious, dude, she could not go through the effort required to study up on the fine art of screwing in a lightbulb (how many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I don't know, but I wouldn't mind watching, heh)... So she left the lights and took a candle holder thing instead... I am ultimately concerned that I work with people that can't put a light bulb into a socket...
***
OK, you may not want to hear about this, so turn your monitor off for the next couple minutes...
Had to go to the can, and you know how I feel about that...
So I went creeping into the can and took a peak under the stalls and saw no feet, so I busted into the stall and locked it... figured I would break off a quick one and get out, just like that... so I was in mid, uh, dangle? and heard the door open and someone came in... I was all like, ok, just relax, find your center, you are alone in the universe, let it go... they went in the stall next to me, I lost it, busted it out so hard that I got a muscle cramp in my ass... serious... then someone else came in and I started freakin out, I was suddenly surrounded by people and was sitting there in my own stink and still had to, uh, clean the petals, no, thats what the ladies do, eh... uh... wipe, there, I said it... so I had to rip the paper, fold it neatly and clean the back beaver... like 3 times... damn... and there are people walking around like 2 or 3 feet away and there are cracks in the door and if you peeked in you could see me... so I finally worked through it and then I had to wash my hands cause there were witnesses, someone might recognize my shoes and notice that I left without washing my hands and tell people that I pooped and made a big stink and then didn't wash my hands and when I pooped I made grunting noises and there was a big plop... GAWD!!!
So I washed my hands and came back here and the charlie horse in my ass is slowly receading...
Ok, you can turn your monitor back on now...
***
I made reservations for this hotel in Missoula, has a big ass indoor pool with water slides and stuff... should be fun... I told the girls yesterday that I made reservations and they wanted to know if it was at the one with the big pool, etc... I was like, yeah, and they were like YAY!!! and I say, hey, dig this, we are going to need to bust ass to get there in time to enjoy the pool. It is like 500 miles away and we are going to need to leave at the buttcrack of dawn and shit... So remember this and don't bust my butt about wanting to stop and shit or we will never make it there in time to have fun and be happy, dammit...
I don't want to be one of those dudes with the watches and shit that have a time schedule and knows how many mph to average to get from point A to point B within x hours... I wanna be like the dad in Pete and Pete... with my elbow way out the window and a personalized license plate that says "kngOrd" and go skinny dipping in the pool with Christie Brinkley and my wife will call me Sparky...
***
I got "lei'ed" yesterday, HAHAHA!!! As part of our fiesta we had some sort of tiki smoothie super happy trivia game... I actually had to hand out plastic leis in the morning and there were a bunch left over so I hung them all over the friggin place, and I ended up wearing one all day, a red one... I think it was because this person who has a power of position over me is on the committee or something and felt this person expected my happy enjoyment of lei wearing...
So I took one home for my wife so she could get... uhh... yeah... so... uhh...
posted by Catfish at 1:54 PM
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