speaking of disgusting things...
OK, so I was heading for the bus yesterday, and typically, in the afternoon in SODO you get some interesting smells. Walking down Occidental first thing I often smell is the produce warehouse, very producey... Next, is sometimes the Pecos Pit, BBQ'y... Next is the Pho Cyclo, which is very Pho'y... I love smelling Pho Cyclo, I get so hungry as I walk by there... the next smell is usually, believe it or not, mail. Yep, have to go buy the mail place (dammit, I know they are usually called post offices, but this is more like a sorting center or something, screw you). I do not like the smell of mail... then the other BBQ place, I think they BBQ their stuff with old pallets and shit... they are not good BBQ... once I get past that, if I am lucky I get to smell a long ass train, throwing up dust and misc other crap, if I am not lucky the next smell I usually get is the garbage transfer station... Rabanco!!! this place has got to be about the worst smelling place in the world... I have never come so close to actually puking as I have going by Rabanco... then I get to smell misc traffic things, and this telephone pole, for some reason when I walk by this pole it always kicks me in the face...
I know, I know, WTF am I going on about... Boring!!!
OK, so yesterday (speaking of smells) I was walking along by the school admin building and there, laying in the grassy knoll (what the hell is that place called, between the sidewalk and the street, has grass, you know, damn) was this person. Standing next to this person was a cane with 4 prongs... It was Super Freaky, the cane was standing up and the dude was laying down... I was trying to figure out if he had came shuffling up, saw this spot in the grass, decided this was just the perfect spot, let go of his cane and then gently layed down... or if he came to this spot and collapsed...
What if he was dead? Should I shake him or something? That would be pretty freaky, dead dude laying by the side of the road, everyone just walking on by, not seeing a thing... but what real difference is there between him being dead or him being passed out drunk, or just generally being passed out... just a 200 pound piece of meat...
I had this general idea that I would pretend to not see anything... I would carry it to my grave, noone saw me seeing this guy and doing nothing, noone needs to know... so I got closer and closer and then I noticed the flies...
It was like a cloud of flies, all over this dude... I was like, holy shit!!! He IS dead!!! Flies are drawn to dead people... Then I thought, I wonder if he smells like death, you always hear that death has a specific smell... for real, that was my next thought... So I took a whiff... Funny, I thought, death smells like shit... like a LOT of poop... funny that...
Then I noticed that the flies were not ALL over the dude, just all over his ASS... Coindcidentally, there was POOP all over his ass... his pants were covered in shit... the back of his shirt was covered... it went all the way down to the back of his knees... I assume the dude had to have been walking when he did it, and it went running down the back of his legs and eventually he decided to take a nap and there he was...
I happened to be walking through a cloud of flies and shit stink... fantastic...
So, I get on the bus... there is this little game that goes on... I get on the bus and there in the front there are usually a couple seats to choose from... there is this old lady that I have a bit of history with, in a good way, she is cool... I can sit next to her, or I can sit next to the thick thighed scandinavian chick... they look at me all hopeful like... see, they ALL want me to sit next to them, they all fear the sweaty guy... If I sit next to them then the sweaty guy can't... but it is not as simple as that... see, if you leave any room, ANY room, could be 6", he will take it... he is so sweaty that he can slide into tiny situations... like a greased pig...
So first is sitting next to the woman, next is to set bags or purses or whatever in such a position that sweaty dude can't get in... then don't make eye contact when he gets on the bus (he looks like one of those crazy wild horses that find themselves in some sort of weird situation and they are all like crazy eyed and unstable... and crazy...
So I got on the bus and found a seat... there was this big old dude sitting on one end of the bench, so I sat next to him. I put my pack on the seat to the left of me and the thick thighed Scandinavian put her purse next to that, so there was NO room there... heh, we had him licked... the other gal was sitting accross from the scandinavian and there was no room next to her... so you would think we were set...
So we pulled up to the stop, we all looked out the front and could see the sweaty bastard putting his bike on the rack... he was extra sweaty today... he came galloping up into the bus, swung his might mustached head to the left and to the right, he was all dangly... he made like he was going to move on to the back of the bus... suddenly he backed up, turned in a circle, looked at all the possible spots he could sit (I swear there were better spots), calculated the angles to get his dangle into different spots and the amount of force required, and BAM!!! shoehorned his ass in between the two of us, me and the big dude...
Now the thing is, when you are all greased up to squeeze into a tight space, some of that grease ends up rubbing off on the parts that you are trying to squeeze into or between (betwixt)... eases the friction or something, but ultimately that is what allows you to get into spots you didn't think you would be able to get into, or something... So, when the dude inserted himself into the spot I got some of him on me... he takes up maximum room, so if he can squeeze his ass into the spot he will then spread out so his dangle can dangle and stuff...
I looked at the gals and they looked at me with these really strange looks, grateful looks to me for taking it for the team, grateful looks that he didn't sit next to them (2 different sort of looks) and revulsion at how he was all gross and pressed up against me (side to side, yo) and fear at the thought of what it would have been like if it had been them he was all up on... So yeah, they looked kinda all over the place... I kinda smiled at them, so they would think that I did it on purpose so they wouldn't have to, that is how cavalier I am...
I tried to make myself as small as possible, but doing that just gives him more room to spread... but if I hold my ground that means from the knee to the hip and then shoulder to elbow I am touching him, or if I move my arm forward that means this sweaty shoulder to elbow is pressed up into my side... and I was kinda hot already so was a little damp (misty maybe, a little dew perhaps) so our sweat would mingle... he was, of course, wearing a tank top, so the flow would all be off of him and onto me...
I decided to just find my center, go to my happy place (not my super happy place, not on the bus) and read my book and hope that time moves real fast and traffic is smooth flowing...
This worked pretty good, but the dude falls asleep... and since his mustache is so large, and he is wearing a bike helmet and sucks, his head falls forward, forcing his body to fall forward a bit, just enough so that the back of the bench is not supporting him so much anymore, which causes him to sway side to side... as he sways to one side his large noggin sways that way also... I took a look at him and saw that he was falling over onto the big dude next to him (not big like a biker, kinda big like Ron Jeremy, except I don't know about his dong, and he had really bad dandruff)...
Now when people reach a certain angle they suddenly kinda jolt awake... so he did this, made some noises like you would expect people to make when they wake up like that, noises I dislike...
He went back to sleep... slowly swayed toward the big dude again... the big dude did not look like he was enjoying this... then the bus slowed down a bit, forcing the dude to sway the other way, right towards me... I had my arm all cocked, holding my book, but my ninja training has trained me to be ready for violence at any moment so it was at the perfect angle of attack to crack him in the nose if he came too close... he came within milimeters of waking up bloody (if he woke up at all, I was kinda questioning the amount of force I wanted to use, or, not really wanted to, cause that was maximum force, but should use)(maximum force would have broken his nose, gave him a couple blacks eyes, whiplash because of the force and speed that his head would be forced backwards, strained muscles in the front of his neck (see force and speed) and maybe a concussion from hitting the back of his head on the glass of the window) but he woke up making the same sounds as before...
This didn't seem to phase him as he kept doing it over and over again... my pants were getting wet at the hip from him... I still had the smell of poo in my nose and it was mingling with unhappy sweat and anger and the blood was pumping in my temples...
Then I got off the bus at my stop and went home and everything was all better...
**
Dude, I am going to blog from the road, it is going to be so cool... I will take pictures and put them up and say stuff like, here is the hotel we are staying in, and, this is a deer we passed on the way and crap like that... and I will also say, it sure is hot here, but it is a different kind of hot, and how my butt is sore and back is sore and what the hell are we doing out here...
How exciting, eh???
I know, I know, WTF am I going on about... Boring!!!
OK, so yesterday (speaking of smells) I was walking along by the school admin building and there, laying in the grassy knoll (what the hell is that place called, between the sidewalk and the street, has grass, you know, damn) was this person. Standing next to this person was a cane with 4 prongs... It was Super Freaky, the cane was standing up and the dude was laying down... I was trying to figure out if he had came shuffling up, saw this spot in the grass, decided this was just the perfect spot, let go of his cane and then gently layed down... or if he came to this spot and collapsed...
What if he was dead? Should I shake him or something? That would be pretty freaky, dead dude laying by the side of the road, everyone just walking on by, not seeing a thing... but what real difference is there between him being dead or him being passed out drunk, or just generally being passed out... just a 200 pound piece of meat...
I had this general idea that I would pretend to not see anything... I would carry it to my grave, noone saw me seeing this guy and doing nothing, noone needs to know... so I got closer and closer and then I noticed the flies...
It was like a cloud of flies, all over this dude... I was like, holy shit!!! He IS dead!!! Flies are drawn to dead people... Then I thought, I wonder if he smells like death, you always hear that death has a specific smell... for real, that was my next thought... So I took a whiff... Funny, I thought, death smells like shit... like a LOT of poop... funny that...
Then I noticed that the flies were not ALL over the dude, just all over his ASS... Coindcidentally, there was POOP all over his ass... his pants were covered in shit... the back of his shirt was covered... it went all the way down to the back of his knees... I assume the dude had to have been walking when he did it, and it went running down the back of his legs and eventually he decided to take a nap and there he was...
I happened to be walking through a cloud of flies and shit stink... fantastic...
So, I get on the bus... there is this little game that goes on... I get on the bus and there in the front there are usually a couple seats to choose from... there is this old lady that I have a bit of history with, in a good way, she is cool... I can sit next to her, or I can sit next to the thick thighed scandinavian chick... they look at me all hopeful like... see, they ALL want me to sit next to them, they all fear the sweaty guy... If I sit next to them then the sweaty guy can't... but it is not as simple as that... see, if you leave any room, ANY room, could be 6", he will take it... he is so sweaty that he can slide into tiny situations... like a greased pig...
So first is sitting next to the woman, next is to set bags or purses or whatever in such a position that sweaty dude can't get in... then don't make eye contact when he gets on the bus (he looks like one of those crazy wild horses that find themselves in some sort of weird situation and they are all like crazy eyed and unstable... and crazy...
So I got on the bus and found a seat... there was this big old dude sitting on one end of the bench, so I sat next to him. I put my pack on the seat to the left of me and the thick thighed Scandinavian put her purse next to that, so there was NO room there... heh, we had him licked... the other gal was sitting accross from the scandinavian and there was no room next to her... so you would think we were set...
So we pulled up to the stop, we all looked out the front and could see the sweaty bastard putting his bike on the rack... he was extra sweaty today... he came galloping up into the bus, swung his might mustached head to the left and to the right, he was all dangly... he made like he was going to move on to the back of the bus... suddenly he backed up, turned in a circle, looked at all the possible spots he could sit (I swear there were better spots), calculated the angles to get his dangle into different spots and the amount of force required, and BAM!!! shoehorned his ass in between the two of us, me and the big dude...
Now the thing is, when you are all greased up to squeeze into a tight space, some of that grease ends up rubbing off on the parts that you are trying to squeeze into or between (betwixt)... eases the friction or something, but ultimately that is what allows you to get into spots you didn't think you would be able to get into, or something... So, when the dude inserted himself into the spot I got some of him on me... he takes up maximum room, so if he can squeeze his ass into the spot he will then spread out so his dangle can dangle and stuff...
I looked at the gals and they looked at me with these really strange looks, grateful looks to me for taking it for the team, grateful looks that he didn't sit next to them (2 different sort of looks) and revulsion at how he was all gross and pressed up against me (side to side, yo) and fear at the thought of what it would have been like if it had been them he was all up on... So yeah, they looked kinda all over the place... I kinda smiled at them, so they would think that I did it on purpose so they wouldn't have to, that is how cavalier I am...
I tried to make myself as small as possible, but doing that just gives him more room to spread... but if I hold my ground that means from the knee to the hip and then shoulder to elbow I am touching him, or if I move my arm forward that means this sweaty shoulder to elbow is pressed up into my side... and I was kinda hot already so was a little damp (misty maybe, a little dew perhaps) so our sweat would mingle... he was, of course, wearing a tank top, so the flow would all be off of him and onto me...
I decided to just find my center, go to my happy place (not my super happy place, not on the bus) and read my book and hope that time moves real fast and traffic is smooth flowing...
This worked pretty good, but the dude falls asleep... and since his mustache is so large, and he is wearing a bike helmet and sucks, his head falls forward, forcing his body to fall forward a bit, just enough so that the back of the bench is not supporting him so much anymore, which causes him to sway side to side... as he sways to one side his large noggin sways that way also... I took a look at him and saw that he was falling over onto the big dude next to him (not big like a biker, kinda big like Ron Jeremy, except I don't know about his dong, and he had really bad dandruff)...
Now when people reach a certain angle they suddenly kinda jolt awake... so he did this, made some noises like you would expect people to make when they wake up like that, noises I dislike...
He went back to sleep... slowly swayed toward the big dude again... the big dude did not look like he was enjoying this... then the bus slowed down a bit, forcing the dude to sway the other way, right towards me... I had my arm all cocked, holding my book, but my ninja training has trained me to be ready for violence at any moment so it was at the perfect angle of attack to crack him in the nose if he came too close... he came within milimeters of waking up bloody (if he woke up at all, I was kinda questioning the amount of force I wanted to use, or, not really wanted to, cause that was maximum force, but should use)(maximum force would have broken his nose, gave him a couple blacks eyes, whiplash because of the force and speed that his head would be forced backwards, strained muscles in the front of his neck (see force and speed) and maybe a concussion from hitting the back of his head on the glass of the window) but he woke up making the same sounds as before...
This didn't seem to phase him as he kept doing it over and over again... my pants were getting wet at the hip from him... I still had the smell of poo in my nose and it was mingling with unhappy sweat and anger and the blood was pumping in my temples...
Then I got off the bus at my stop and went home and everything was all better...
**
Dude, I am going to blog from the road, it is going to be so cool... I will take pictures and put them up and say stuff like, here is the hotel we are staying in, and, this is a deer we passed on the way and crap like that... and I will also say, it sure is hot here, but it is a different kind of hot, and how my butt is sore and back is sore and what the hell are we doing out here...
How exciting, eh???
posted by Catfish at 10:51 AM
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